Kids are expected to work on
themselves while in a program such as Logan River Academy. It is helpful to
know that parents can assist in the overall process by working on better
understanding themselves as well. Parents often fall in common patterns when
their kids act out, but many of these patterns are not helpful in aiding the
child in progressing and growing positively.
Common
Patterns Parents Assume:
u Rescuing:
doing whatever possible to remove the child's discomfort in order to make the
child happy.
u Yelling:
using blame, guilt, or threats in order to get the child to listen.
u Withdrawing:
resorting to silence and isolating from your child or the conflict.
u Finding
distractions: always looking for something else to
focus on, keeping busy and planning future events.
u Stoicism:
removing yourself emotionally form any conflict and responding in a detached,
unaffected way.
u Workaholism:
seeking out reasons to avoid home in order to stay at work, where you feel more
at ease and in control (or working out of the home, while avoiding family
interactions).
u Lecturing:
focus is to solve or explain the problem – telling the child what he or she
ought to do and what should be taking place.
u Addictions:
indulging in something that provides an escape: gambling, alcohol abuse,
excessive internet and computer use, etc.
u Worrying:
consistently assuming the worst-case scenario, endless feelings of unrest, and
anticipating a catastrophe.
Parents
Can Break Their Patterns:
1)
Self-knowledge: Since
we all have blind spots, parents may not be aware of any or all of the patterns
they may fall into. It is much easier to identify other peoples’ patterns than
our own. Seeing ourselves more clearly or accurately comes through asking a
trusted friend or family member.
2)
Self-attunement:
A parents' reactiveness to their child's moods and emotions. Well-attuned
parents detect what their children are feeling and reflect those emotions back
in their facial expressions, voices, and other behavior.
3)
Accountability:
Parents be willing to own their own pattern in order to break it. Many kids
seem to focus more on their parents’ behavior above their own. The reverse also
holds true.
4)
Responding in a New Way: One effective way is Reframing.
**
Remember the goal is to disrupt an existing negative pattern**
“Reframing
is a way of attuning, seeing, validating, and empowering your child to meet
their own needs. It’s a way of communicating the problem in a new way, by
shifting the responsibility for the problem back onto the child.” - Krissy
Pozatek (Author of “The Parallel Process.”)
7
Steps for Reframing:
1) Listen
closely to your child and attune to the underlying emotion.
2) Remember
– the underlying emotion and tone is more important than the content. The
content may be the child arguing over social media use, wanting to come home
early, or get some new clothes. Getting locked exclusively into the
content can lead to missing the real issue.
3) Reflect
and mirror the underlying emotion back to your child.
4) Validate
your child.
5) Keep
yourself out of the problem, since parents sharing their opinions and thoughts
can often lead to power struggles and can lead to the child feeling
disempowered.
6) Place
the responsibility of problem-solving back onto the child. (How do you
want to proceed? What helps when you feel this way? How will you
cope with this?
7) If
you have already attuned to your child and they continue to push the content,
then it is time to set a boundary.
**Does not often escalate to this stage if
the previous stages were applied
