What’s my role as a Parent with my
child in Treatment?
Having a
child in residential treatment, no matter if you are living across the country
or in the same town is very difficult for everyone that is involved. The focus in a treatment center is mainly on
the child that is in treatment and it seems that the parents often feel left out
or lost at times. I know that parents
usually want to be as involved as possible with their child and their
treatment. This can be very difficult
depending on the individual’s and the family’s past and current circumstances.
Feelings of
worry, loneliness, depression, anxiety, etc. can often creep in and affect you as
a parent when your child is away from home.
These are pretty common and normal feelings that individuals have. With a child that has struggled for some
time, there is a myriad of emotions that can be felt.
Because a
parent’s core emotion for their child is normally unconditional love, we want
only the best for our children. At times
we have to reach outside ourselves and get professional help from those that
are trained and have experience working with the issues that children and
families face. There is nothing wrong
with getting outside help for children that have struggled in one way or
another and do not have a solid foundation.
As a parent with a child at Logan River Academy, remember that we are
working with you to help you, your child and your family create the most
successful opportunities possible moving forward.
I’d like to
share an experience that I have had with a parent of one of my students, (we’ll
call the student Tyler). Tyler had been here at Logan River Academy working on himself for several
months. He was getting ready to do his
first home visit. This was a great
opportunity to see how everything would go outside the environment that we have
here at Logan River Academy.
I got together with Tyler and his parents and we set up some boundaries
and rules, as well as some fun things that they wanted to do as a family. Tyler went home for the weekend and came
back from his home visit thrilled. He
expressed how well the visit had gone and that it was a problem free
experience. My response was not what he
had expected when I said, “Dang it, I was hoping for at least one problem to
happen!” As we talked I went on to
explain that I was really happy that he had such a great visit, but at the same
time, when there are problems or issues that happen, we get to see what he has
learned put into practice and if he was able to problem solve with his parents.
As this
comic suggests, if we implement the same solution over and over that doesn’t
work, and are not willing to make any change, we end up with the same results,
(there is not some magical result that will happen).
As Tyler’s mom is learning, sometimes things
don’t have to be perfect or go exactly as she wants them to. One important part of your child’s treatment
is looking at yourself as a parent and seeing what types of adjustments or changes
you are able to make as well.
As Tyler and
I talked with his parents and we did family therapy that week, Tyler’s mom suggested that because she was
so worried about everything going perfect that she tiptoed around every
possible problem so that there was no arguing or fighting. She felt that she had messed up the whole
visit. I let both Tyler and his mom know
that the visit went great, they did a wonderful job, and that we don’t expect
things to go perfect. I expressed to Tyler’s mom and dad that it is okay to
have problems. We want to be able to
learn to handle problems differently from how they were handled before. I continued to explain that our ultimate goal
is to help Tyler be able to be back in his home environment, be able to have
problems and situations happen, be able to problem solve with his parents or
whoever is involved, see what skills Tyler can put into action, and create
balance in the lives of the individuals and family system as a whole.
Balance is
extremely important and as parents, finding a balance between you and your
child is crucial. As your child grows,
knowing how to create new boundaries with your child and letting them be
involved in their own decisions and consequences is difficult. It is fairly common to give our kids more
restrictions and boundaries as they grow older.
This restricts freedoms and commonly causes them to rebel or be
oppositional, which then back-fires this more restricted process that we are
trying to implement. Once the child is
an adult he or she will be on their own without any parental restrictions, but
with societal restrictions. It is key
for them to learn how to make decisions, problem solve, etc. Teaching children the skills that they will
need to succeed is vital so that as they get older they have fewer restrictions
and more privileges to help them understand how to succeed in life when they
are on their own.
So
back to the initial question, what’s my role as a parent with a child in
Treatment?? Here are some ideas or
suggestions for while your child is in treatment as well as after they return
home.
1 - Support your child.
2
- Give them opportunities to build trust.
3 – Work on communicating effectively.
4 - Take a course or get
advice from a professional counselor that works with families.
5 - Work on yourself and the barriers that you face when working with your child.
6
-Be open to making changes or adjustments to parenting styles.
7 - Don’t be too hard on yourself or blame yourself, but make self adjustments
where they are needed.
8 - Set up limits and boundaries. Be
positive but firm with them.
9
- Evaluate if you are an enabler and stop enabling.
10
- Recognize that there are going to be disagreements and problems.
11
- Don’t expect perfection all of the time.
12
- Make sure you know how to problem solve appropriately depending on the age
and maturity of your child.
13
- Allow your child to have part in the discussion and they will be more likely
to follow through, set your child up for success.
Jeffrey
Openshaw LMFT
