What Mindfulness Really Means

A lot of the phase work that we give our students in the girls’ program, Maple Rise, is centered on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This was developed to help people who have a really hard time regulating emotions (also known as emotional dysregulation) because they are so complex. Quite often, people with this type of emotional difficulty end up hurting themselves, physically or at the very least, they do things that actually make their lives worse—like turning to drugs or alcohol, shoplifting, gambling, etc. They tend to lead chaotic lives because their emotions are so out of control, which can lead to problems in their relationships. The DBT concepts and skills that we teach are designed to help students lead healthier, less-confusing lives.

These DBT concepts and skills are separated into four categories: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness. I want to focus on a concept in the first category: Mindfulness. I’m sure that you, as parents, have heard the term come out of your student’s mouths on several different occasions. At times, they may like to joke about using the term, as it is used often around here. But each student has the potential to benefit greatly from being mindful. We all attribute different meanings to the term, but I wanted to share insight on what we typically mean when we talk about the importance of “being mindful” so that as parents, you have a complete understanding of what is meant.

We all have times when we are more controlled by our reasoning or logic, by our emotions, or by a combination of these two; these are the three different ways we think about things. Let’s take a closer look at each.

Reasoning Self

This way of thinking in DBT is known as Reasonable Mind. This refers to the self we use when we are thinking logically or factually about something. This is helpful when you’re measuring ingredients to bake a cake, working through or solving a math problem, or trying to find something you’ve lost. When you are thinking from this perspective, there generally aren’t very many emotions involved; logic overtakes your mind, and if you are feeling emotions, they tend to be fairly quiet, discreet ones.

The reasoning self is very important, but thinking only from this perspective on a regular basis can lead to problems. For example, people who think from this perspective might regularly ignore how they feel because logic overtakes their mind, which can lead to difficulties managing emotions because at times, they don’t see the need for them.

Emotional Self

The opposite of the reasoning self is known in DBT as Emotion Mind. This refers to the self we use when we are thinking more with our emotions. When you think from emotion mind, your emotions are so intense that they control how you act. In turn, you end up reacting from urges that the emotions create in you, rather than choosing how to act in a situation. For example, you’re feeling really angry and lash out at the people you care about; you’re feeling depressed, so you isolate in your room and avoid talking to anyone.

Just like the reasoning self, if you’re thinking from your emotional self and acting on these urges too often, you’ll run into problems. This is the self that most often gets people into trouble.

Since we don’t want to always be acting from our reasoning or emotional selves all the time, we must turn to our third self for help.

Wise Self

The third self is your wise self—otherwise known in DBT as Wise Mind. This self combines your reasoning self with your emotional self so that neither mode of thinking is controlling you. Wise mind gives you the ability to consider consequences of your actions and subsequently act in your own best interest. Have you ever found yourself in a situation that might have felt difficult, but you just knew what you had to do? Perhaps it wasn’t the easiest thing to do, or what you really wanted to do in the situation, but it was what felt right, deep down? That is your wise self.

We typically use our wise minds very regularly, even though at times it might not feel like it. For example, you wake up feeling exhausted and depressed, but you get out of bed because you know you’ll feel better if you do; or you have the urge to skip work but decide to go because you don’t want to get too far behind.

When acting with wise mind, you are taking effective action and doing what is in your best interest. It is similar to intuition. To access it, you have to use intuition to go beyond emotional reactions and logical analysis. You may not always want to do what wise mind knows is best, but listening to wise mind is part of making the choice to lead a life of meaning and contentment.

I took a lot of this information from a book entitled, “Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Teens” by Sheri Van Dijk, MSW

Heidi Perkes, CSW

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