Can You Hear Me?!

As human beings, relationships are often a measuring stick of how successful our lives are. Most of us value relationships. Relationships are often at the core of how happy or unhappy we are. An essential ingredient to positive relationships is the ability and desire to listen. All of us love to interact with good listeners. How many of us truly are good listeners ourselves?

I would like to highlight 6 blocks to being a good listener:

1.    Referring everything to your own experience: Have you ever talked with someone that constantly redirects the conversation back to him/herself rather than actually letting you finish your thought or story? I have. It's really annoying! Work on allowing the person with whom you are talking to finish his/her thought or story before interjecting a comment that directs the conversation back to you.

2.    Advising: Some of us go directly to problem-solving before listening or validating. Never advise when the advice is not asked for or wanted. Most of the time people would rather be heard or validated than given solutions or ideas.

3.    Being right: So many of us have to be right. It takes a truly gracious person to be right and not forecast it to the world. A good listener can be right and not have to say he/she is right.

4.    "The one-upper": Have you ever met the guy who constantly has a better story than you? I have on several occasions. Don't be a "one-upper." This happens frequently in group settings. Allow someone else to be the center of attention.

5.    Mind reading: Sometimes we are sure we know what others are thinking or feeling. Sometimes we misread body language and the communication has broken down before we even said a word. Reserve judgment until you hear where the person is coming from.

6.    The wandering mind: We live busy lives and have much on our minds. It is easy to find ourselves texting, checking our phones, or zoning out when someone is talking to us. In order to be a good listener, especially with children and adolescents, we need to put down our stinking phones and listen with our whole bodies. Try to focus during conversations on the other person and do not allow yourself to get distracted by a vibrating phone or some movement off to your side.

The art of listening bonds people together. Work on being a good listener this week. Others will notice and appreciate your listening ear!

Matt Erickson, LCSW, Clinical Director