Imperfect Happy Families

Look around! Our society is consumed with image. From what we drive, to what we wear, to what we do, to what neighborhood we live in, etc. Many in society seem to care more about what others think of them than anything else. With this embedded deeply in our culture, we see some effects in some parenting trends.

Many of today’s high achieving parents grew up in a household where achievement was expected. Nothing other than complete success could be accepted or tolerated. This generational theme can go from one generation to the next. There are benefits to this pattern including professional success, learning, growth and potential financial earnings. However, we have seen some of the negative effects over the years as well.

I would like to address achievement versus happiness. If our main goal is achievement with our parenting, children can develop internal scripts related to perfectionism. Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem can also result as children receive the message that they cannot measure up to older siblings’ level of advancement or parental expectations.

Some children hear that if they do not attend the college their brother/sister attended than they are “less than.” Others may internalize that they are a disappointment to the family “if they don’t”….

Over the years I have worked with a lot of children. Many times these children have initially been in special private schools for the gifted or other high demand academic settings. As this process produced negative results, parents took a step back to see what their child really needed. Sometimes these children were initially placed in private schools for high achievers more for the parents’ internal well being than what was right for the child. As parents, we sometimes place our own issues on our children and do things more to satisfy our own needs rather than really what is best for our child.

One suggestion I would like to give is to make a shift and to focus on internal attributes and values—such as being kind, hardworking, and accountable. These qualities are attainable and will serve a child across their life span. Having the highest GPA, being the very best athlete, or being the most accomplished pianist can be very stressful and anxiety producing endeavors. Being a kind, hardworking, and accountable person will usually produce excellent results.

Another suggestion is to take a step back and examine how you are living your life. What are the motives behind what you do? Are you happy with how you live your life? Are your unresolved childhood issues pushing you down a life path that does not provide you happiness? Your example of how you live your life will be the most influential parenting you will ever do. Parenting is often caught, not taught.

Lastly, I would like to emphasize unconditional love for children who often behave in unlovable ways. I am sometimes amazed how well the families I work with love and accept their children despite the years of struggle gone by. These parents are some of my true heroes.

One final word; please know that I believe in getting things done and achieving. If one of our children does a poor job cleaning the toilet we have him go back and fix the problem. Learning to do a good job in life is an invaluable life skill. However, when accomplishment is taken to the extreme, bad effects may soon follow. Sometimes a heavy dose of lightening up is essential!

The goal is to have a happy family. I believe that happy families are a result of many factors. I have touched on one of them in this blog post. My hope is that we can all be a part of an Imperfect Happy Family.

Matt Erickson, LCSW