Stacking the Deck

I was working with a parent recently and as we were trying to reconcile the struggles her child was having she asked me a very pointed question, “Will he get better?”  I tend to be a very hopeful and optimistic individual so I quickly answered, “Yes, of course he will.”  As we continued our conversation the question remained on my mind and later in the conversation I felt the need to readdress it.  I told her that I was very confident that her son would change and do so for the better, but I also felt the need to acknowledge and accept the reality that part of her son’s change was up to him.  It was a piece she and I could not control. 

While this caused some anxiety for the parent, as we worked through the issue it actually became a liberating thought for her.  She began to relieve herself of the responsibility of “changing” her son, and instead focus on changing herself and providing the best environment possible for her son in the hopes that it would promote positive change.  We used the analogy of a card game.  We compared this parent’s experience of sending her son to therapy and treatment to stacking a deck in his favor.  She was providing him the best opportunity possible to “win” the card game, but we both acknowledged that it was still up to her son to “play the cards.”  This is the piece that lay outside her control. 

Over the years I have seen many individuals change their lives as a result of parents “stacking the deck” by providing a safe and structured environment for growth.  But I’ve also come to realize that I must accept that students here are going to play the wrong cards on occasion and they may even play the wrong cards for a time when they leave the safe environment provided by parents.  But the cards have been provided, and at some point most do figure out how to play the right way and find ways to win.

Krys Oyler, LCSW