Lessons Learned from Watching 7-Year-Olds

Last year my then 7-year-old son played on a recreational basketball team. I was his coach. Our team was playing in the final game of the year. The game was a nail biter! Our team led throughout most of the game but had lost the lead late in the game. Our team was down by two points with 5 seconds to go. We designed a clever inbounds play to hopefully get a good look at the basket. The play was executed perfectly and one of our boys was fouled. He would get two foul shots with no time left on the clock. If he made them, the game would end in a tie (no overtime for these kids). As this youngster was preparing to take his first foul shot, the opposing parents started yelling, screaming, pounding on the bleachers, and waving their arms. Keep in mind, we are dealing with 7-year-olds here.

The youngster calmly dribbled twice and sank the first free throw. The fans “cheering” for the other team got even louder and more obnoxious. Despite their best efforts to make our player shrink under pressure, he knocked down the second free throw as well. I must admit this was a glorious moment for me and perhaps saved me from blowing a gasket with the opposing parents after the game was over.

This experience was an interesting one for me to have. I was so proud of the kids for hanging in there and succeeding despite some horrible parental behavior. Due to my profession, my mind drifted to wonder what home life might be like for the youngster who had parents going absolutely ballistic during this game.

Parenting is a wild ride. The ride has ups, downs, rights, lefts, and everything in between. Sometimes parenting seems very unfair. Some children seem very easy to raise while others can be so very difficult. One beauty of parenting is we get to learn each day and try to be better. We get to try to learn from miscues and improve the next day. Each day can be an opportunity to improve our parenting skills.

Dr. Meg Meeker reported some interesting research in her masterful book entitled, “Boys Should be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Boys.” The research tried to pin down what is the number one indicator of whether or not a youngster will have sex, use drugs, drink alcohol, etc. The researchers discovered that it’s not peer pressure like one would assume. Research shows that parents are the number one influence in a boy’s life. It is connectedness—a deep sense that a son fits in the family—he belongs, if you will, with mom and dad. He feels appreciated, loved, and affirmed for who he is as a young man.

The preceding paragraph is not meant to place blame on any parent who has a teenager who struggles with maladaptive behavior. The purpose of the paragraph is to remind us how crucial it is to connect in appropriate ways with our kids.

I would guess that the boisterous parents from my aforementioned story felt like they were connecting with their child by doing what they were doing. I don’t think they were. I think they were showing a very poor example of how adults should behave. As parents trying to do the best we can, I hope we can do all within our power to connect in the right ways with our boys and help them navigate this challenging experience of life.  

Matt Erickson, LCSW