Let It Snow!

Looking back at the blog post I wrote almost exactly one year ago I am intrigued by the vast difference in snow conditions we are enjoying now compared to this time last year. We have had an incredibly productive snow season the past couple months and conditions couldn’t be much better to be riding the slopes. 

Last year we had very little snow and took the opportunity to explore other winter recreation pursuits. This year it seems like we have a snow storm at least every two or three days! This has given many of us (well, the students, myself and a few other winter-loving team members) much to celebrate and an enthusiasm to ride our skis and snowboards as often as possible. 

It has been a fantastic year with many more students than usual learning to ride the slopes and several more progressing their skills they brought with them to Logan River Academy. We are crossing our fingers that February will bring with it many more powder days for us to enjoy.

Mike Bodrero, Adventure Learning Coordinator 

The Basic Principle of RESPECT

Each individual is has their own experience in life.  As we go about our lives, it is key to connect with others and strive to do the best we can in order to achieve the goals that we have.  The decisions we make and the things that we do affect those around us.  When we work to build relationships the principle of respect comes into play.  As I have counseled individuals, couples, and families over the years, this principle of respect is commonly struggled with when things are going poorly in relationships.  It is often important to bring this to light and have the simple discussion of what respect is.  I like to talk about respect by sharing my experience of teaching Martial Arts to kids.  I have always found that basic principles such as respect can be incorporated and reinforced with the Martial Arts.  I remember teaching classes of children and simply putting the definition of respect as “treating others they way they want to be treated.”  As we look at individuals we recognize that they are all different and don’t like to be treated the same. 

People also don’t always want to be treated the way we would want to be treated.  Therefore, we would treat them the way that they would want to be treated.  This might take a little work to get to openly communicate and get to know another person in order to see what respect means to them.  I would often ask the students if they liked being treated good or bad.  Of course the answer was that they liked to be treated good.  I would tell them that most people are similar in that they want to be treated good also.  However there may be some small things that a person sees as respectful that are simple for another to say or do to fulfill this need.  We can also reinforce respect as an individual does those things that we like or that are good for us.  Again this goes back to basic communication and remembering that others can’t read our minds.  It is important for us to let others know what we do or don’t appreciate.

And of course it is essential to remember that it is important to give respect in order to be respected.  A lot of individuals that I have worked with think opposite and demand to be respected, even though they are not being respectful to others.  Over the years as I have built relationships with people in different settings, I have applied this principle of showing respect.  Without fail when both people involved want to enhance the relationship, this method works. 

Here are some guidelines that will increase respect for others.

I want to end this with a few great quotes about respect:

                  

Jeffrey Openshaw, LMFT

'Twas I, but 'Tis Not I

With the New Year now in full swing, I find myself often talking with clients about resolutions and commitments they are making to themselves and others as they strive to change and make their lives better. 

As I work with them, and with myself, on making these improvements I find myself reminded of the following story.

It comes from a play by Shakespeare.  While I don’t typically read a lot of Shakespeare (frankly he is a bit over my head) I nevertheless have garnered many great quotes from his works.  One of my favorites comes from the play “As You Like It.”  In the play an older brother named Oliver “frequently contrived to kill” his younger brother but to no avail.  Despite his efforts to kill his younger brother, later in his own life in a desperate situation, Oliver was rescued by his younger brother despite his frequent efforts to bring about his demise.  Upon learning of his younger brother’s efforts to save his life, Oliver makes a dramatic change for good.  Later, Oliver is asked by an individual if he was the man who so frequently tried to kill his younger brother.  Oliver replied, “’Twas I, but ‘tis not I.  I do not shame to tell you what I was, since my conversion so sweetly tastes, being the thing I am.” 

“’Twas I, but ‘tis not I” has helped me remember that simply because I have made mistakes in the past, I am not doomed to repeat these.  While I can’t change yesterday, I can choose to do well today. 

I hope for my clients, and for myself, that each of us can in our own way look back on our mistakes and say, ‘Twas I, but ‘tis not I.  

Krys Oyler, LCSW

Lessons Learned from Watching 7-Year-Olds

Last year my then 7-year-old son played on a recreational basketball team. I was his coach. Our team was playing in the final game of the year. The game was a nail biter! Our team led throughout most of the game but had lost the lead late in the game. Our team was down by two points with 5 seconds to go. We designed a clever inbounds play to hopefully get a good look at the basket. The play was executed perfectly and one of our boys was fouled. He would get two foul shots with no time left on the clock. If he made them, the game would end in a tie (no overtime for these kids). As this youngster was preparing to take his first foul shot, the opposing parents started yelling, screaming, pounding on the bleachers, and waving their arms. Keep in mind, we are dealing with 7-year-olds here.

The youngster calmly dribbled twice and sank the first free throw. The fans “cheering” for the other team got even louder and more obnoxious. Despite their best efforts to make our player shrink under pressure, he knocked down the second free throw as well. I must admit this was a glorious moment for me and perhaps saved me from blowing a gasket with the opposing parents after the game was over.

This experience was an interesting one for me to have. I was so proud of the kids for hanging in there and succeeding despite some horrible parental behavior. Due to my profession, my mind drifted to wonder what home life might be like for the youngster who had parents going absolutely ballistic during this game.

Parenting is a wild ride. The ride has ups, downs, rights, lefts, and everything in between. Sometimes parenting seems very unfair. Some children seem very easy to raise while others can be so very difficult. One beauty of parenting is we get to learn each day and try to be better. We get to try to learn from miscues and improve the next day. Each day can be an opportunity to improve our parenting skills.

Dr. Meg Meeker reported some interesting research in her masterful book entitled, “Boys Should be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Boys.” The research tried to pin down what is the number one indicator of whether or not a youngster will have sex, use drugs, drink alcohol, etc. The researchers discovered that it’s not peer pressure like one would assume. Research shows that parents are the number one influence in a boy’s life. It is connectedness—a deep sense that a son fits in the family—he belongs, if you will, with mom and dad. He feels appreciated, loved, and affirmed for who he is as a young man.

The preceding paragraph is not meant to place blame on any parent who has a teenager who struggles with maladaptive behavior. The purpose of the paragraph is to remind us how crucial it is to connect in appropriate ways with our kids.

I would guess that the boisterous parents from my aforementioned story felt like they were connecting with their child by doing what they were doing. I don’t think they were. I think they were showing a very poor example of how adults should behave. As parents trying to do the best we can, I hope we can do all within our power to connect in the right ways with our boys and help them navigate this challenging experience of life.  

Matt Erickson, LCSW

The Adventurous Review of 2015

It is a difficult job to try and objectively compare one year of adventure to another because each of our adventures are unique and each year we explore new areas and try to build new skills. We enthusiastically added outdoor rock climbing to our repertoire this year and it definitely elevated the quality and variety of many of our trips. And with several generous snow storms already blanketing our mountains we are on track to head out of 2015 with some big shoes to fill for next year.

The 2014/2015 ski season was one for the record books, just not the record books we generally want to associate with. While it is hard to complain about skiing and snowboarding in general, much of the western United States received record low snowfall and we definitely felt that here in Utah. We pushed on however and rode as much as we could while mixing in yurt trips, snowbiking adventures and snowcave building instruction.

Guide to Giving Consequences That Teach

I am always looking for information on how to better parent, both for my personal life and professionally.  I recently had an article shared with me and it is a short but effective reminder.  Enjoy!

The link is:

http://www.positive-parents.org/2013/05/consequences-that-teach.html?m=1

There is a disturbing new parenting trend for "creative consequences." Surely you've heard of the dad who shot his daughter's laptop, or the "Ohio Mom" who posted an X on her daughter’s face and shamed her on Facebook, or most recently the step-mom who made her daughter wear embarrassing clothing to school so that she would be bullied. 

What is truly shocking is the number of people supporting public humiliation by parents as a punishment or discipline tactic! 

But is shaming children really the way to go? Is it effective?

Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW has spent the last 12 years researching shame, guilt, and vulnerability. She states:

"Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows."

and very importantly

 “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

Giving consequences with the intention of shaming, hurting, or humiliating your child is damaging.  Sure, they may "work," but at what cost?

The purposes of consequences, however, should not be to make us famous or earn us a pat on the back from other parents, but to teach the child in a constructive way.

Shame and humiliation create fear, and research indicates that the brain operates differently under fear. Under this threat, the brain reacts with increased blood flow to the survival centers of the brain and decreased blood flow to the higher thought centers. When the brain goes into this "survival mode," it becomes less capable of planning, receiving information, classifying data, and problem solving.

Becky Bailey wrote this in her book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline:

"Children under threat make choices that are biologically driven. Over time, this approach creates impulsive children who resist change and lack the ability to solve problems constructively."

GUIDE TO GIVING CONSEQUENCES THAT TEACH:

1. Give consequences with the intention of teaching, not the intention of punishing or making the child feel bad.  Intention is important because the intention you have in your mind will influence the language and tone you use when you deliver the consequence. Be sure to be empathetic when delivering the consequence. Empathy calms the brain, removes the threat, and allows a person to take responsibility for this own behavior.

2. Let natural consequences happen where appropriate. Often we try to either rescue our child from the natural consequences of their actions OR we compound it by adding additional punishments on top of it. Let's say your child left her toy in the driveway and it got ran over. Rescuing would be buying her a new toy immediately. Adding additional punishment would be grounding her for leaving it outside. The natural consequence, however, is simply that now her toy is broken. If she wants to replace it, she can earn the money to do so by doing extra chores.

3. Imposed consequences should be related to the offense. If your child hits his brother, then taking away his iPad for a period of time doesn't teach what he should do when he hurts his brother. A related (or logical) consequence would be to have him problem solve a way to repair the relationship with his brother (write him a note, make him a card, etc) and to talk about ways of handling his frustration or anger so that he has tools besides hitting (deep breaths, walking away, clapping, hitting a pillow).

4. Problem-solving is a great way to teach children how to be accountable and responsible. The more involved they are in the process, the more they learn. Most times, problem-solving is the best way to go. Teach your child the process of righting wrongs and repairing rifts in relationships. These skills will serve your child all of his life.

5. Don't bring it up. After the consequence has been given or the problem has been solved, it's over. Don't rehash the incident, but get on with a pleasant day.

6. Connect. Make sure your child knows it was her behavior you didn't approve of, not HER. Find ways to reconnect. This models for your child what you were just teaching; how to repair relationships.

For more on consequences, visit What's the Deal With Consequences.

Ultimately, our goal is to raise responsible children. Teaching through natural or logical consequences or problem solving isn't going to get you any media coverage, but it will get you a responsible child who doesn't resent you for years to come.

Sean Maynard, CMHC

Gratitude at the Holidays

The holiday season is upon us once more, and thankfully so. As my family and I went in to Salt Lake City last weekend to look at the beautiful holiday lights that are a yearly tradition on Temple Square (headquarters of the LDS/Mormon Church), we passed by a homeless man who had positioned himself on a corner not too far away from the happy crowd in the hopes of gleaming charity from others better off than he. He was older and the grizzled look on the craggy face he owned told a story of having endured many hard years with much of that being on the streets. As I stopped briefly to gladly give this man what little money I had on me and wish him a Merry Christmas, it hit me like a reindeer kick in the side of the head: that I need to be much more appreciative of what I do have in my life, instead of thinking about what I could use receiving as a present from someone else. In other words, I simply need to be much more grateful for what I do have.

National statistics show that suicide rates climb by as much as 40% during the holiday season. While I don’t wish to dwell on the negative at this time of year, I feel it’s very easy to let depression set in, especially for parents of students at Logan River Academy who may be having a hard time dealing with their child’s placement at a residential treatment facility in general, and more so for those few whose child may not be able to return home at the present time to visit. In times when I need inspiration and uplifting, there’s been a powerful speech that I go back to time and again which really resonates with me, and it’s my hope that it might do the same for you this time of season despite it’s unconventionality as it relates to the holidays.

Coach Jim Valvano (“Jimmy V”) was the head coach for the North Carolina State men’s basketball team. For those of you familiar, he’s the coach shown in highlights running around the basketball court looking for someone to hug after his team won the national championship in 1983. Or perhaps the phrase “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up” will ring a bell. Ten years after winning the national championship, he was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and passed away in April of 1993, less than two months after giving a famous speech at the inaugural ESPY awards where he received the Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian Award. His tombstone reads: “Take time everyday to laugh, to think, to cry.”

It’s my hope that during this holiday season, whatever your circumstances may be, that you might find inspiration in the words of this man who was grateful for every moment of his life in the face of a terminal diagnosis that would shortly end his life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E

Brandon Bailey, ACMHC