Working as a Team With Your Child

This morning I came into work with the intent of changing some pictures and things in my office.  After completing the changes in my office, another therapist and I were talking.  He mentioned how he wanted to shift things around in his office as well so that it was more comfortable for him and created a more therapeutic environment. 

 I quickly offered my help and we worked together as he explained what he thought would be best.  I offered a couple of other suggestions as well, even though I knew that it is his office and that in the end he will have things placed as he wants them to be.  We discussed for a minute and he made his decisions as we put things in their place.  This task of moving and changing things around may have taken a chunk of the day, but because we teamed up and helped each other out, it was a quick, simple process.

The following story illustrates the need for each team member:

Aesop’s Fable - The Belly and the Members

One day it occurred to The Members (parts) of the Body that they were doing all of the work while the Belly got all of the food. They believed the Belly was lazy and unproductive.

It was decided that they would hold a meeting that evening to discuss how unfair this seemed. After what was a very long meeting that night it was voted on that The Members of the Body would go on strike until the Belly agreed to take its proper share of the work.

The unhappy body parts didn’t do anything for several days in an attempt to stop feeding the Belly. The Legs stopped walking, the Hands stopped moving and the Teeth stopped chewing.

As a result of this inactivity and the starving of the Belly, the Legs became more and more tired, the Hands could hardly move anymore and the Mouth became parched and very dry.

Eventually the entire Body collapsed and passed away as the Belly completely starved.

Being a team is sometimes very difficult.  Here are four keys to keep in mind while working together as a team while your child is going through this process of change and growth.

1.  Some members of the team’s contributions may seem less significant or of less value than others, especially as it compares to those that are more prominent members of the team.  However, always remember that each member of the team is still important, even if it is just a supportive role.

2.  Another moral of this story is the need for teams to refrain from evil speaking of each other, gossiping, jumping to conclusions, etc.  These negative things will inhibit the therapeutic process and are not beneficial at all.  One must trust in the team members and trust the process.

3.  Team member accountability is critical, but shouldn’t be personal or based on assumptions. Accountability is based on trust, which is built over time.

4.  Because everyone in the team plays an important role to the success of your child’s goals, the vision and goals must be cascaded up and down the organization so everyone is in alignment.

As we go through the therapeutic process with your child, it is essential to work as a team.  We have to put our minds together to follow through with the best ideas and path for your child.  Our team consists of those at Logan River, therapists, teachers, staff, etc., as well as parents, and of course your child has to be a part of the team too. 

When all of the team works effectively together things go more smoothly, just like on a clock or an engine as the gears properly catch and turn the other gears. 

When one member of the team tries to be in control and dictate what is to be done, the process becomes rocky and the rest of the team cannot effectively do their part.  Things fall apart.

If you are unsure as a parent what your role is or how you are a part of the team, make sure to discuss that with your child’s therapist.

Jeffrey Openshaw, LMFT

Stacking the Deck

I was working with a parent recently and as we were trying to reconcile the struggles her child was having she asked me a very pointed question, “Will he get better?”  I tend to be a very hopeful and optimistic individual so I quickly answered, “Yes, of course he will.”  As we continued our conversation the question remained on my mind and later in the conversation I felt the need to readdress it.  I told her that I was very confident that her son would change and do so for the better, but I also felt the need to acknowledge and accept the reality that part of her son’s change was up to him.  It was a piece she and I could not control. 

While this caused some anxiety for the parent, as we worked through the issue it actually became a liberating thought for her.  She began to relieve herself of the responsibility of “changing” her son, and instead focus on changing herself and providing the best environment possible for her son in the hopes that it would promote positive change.  We used the analogy of a card game.  We compared this parent’s experience of sending her son to therapy and treatment to stacking a deck in his favor.  She was providing him the best opportunity possible to “win” the card game, but we both acknowledged that it was still up to her son to “play the cards.”  This is the piece that lay outside her control. 

Over the years I have seen many individuals change their lives as a result of parents “stacking the deck” by providing a safe and structured environment for growth.  But I’ve also come to realize that I must accept that students here are going to play the wrong cards on occasion and they may even play the wrong cards for a time when they leave the safe environment provided by parents.  But the cards have been provided, and at some point most do figure out how to play the right way and find ways to win.

Krys Oyler, LCSW

Keeping Your Kids Safe Online: What Every Parent Needs to Know about Sexting

**WARNING: This post contains some vulgar content**

You've probably read the horror stories about sexting that are popping up all over the news, but what exactly is sexting? Is it something I should worry about as a parent? Who's actually sexting? Is it really a problem? Don't worry; we'll help you learn everything you need to know about sexting slang. Recent studies claim that as much as 39% of teens and 59% of young adults have sexted at least once. 

Sexting is defined as the act of sending sexually explicit messages or images between cell phones. It's the modern equivalent of what we older people used to call phone sex. Sexting is a combination of the words "sex" and "texting" and originated in the early 2000's as people became equipped with camera phones. Unlike phone sex however, sexting leaves very little to the imagination.

Sexting is a natural progression among couples. It can be fun and playful - but it can also have consequences for teens. If you suspect your teen is sexting, you should talk to them about the dangers of sending out pictures.

In most states, teens caught with "sexting pictures" on their phones can actually be charged with possession of child porn - even if they themselves are under 18, and sometimes even if the images are of themselves.

Keeping Your Kids Safe Online: Internet Slang Every Parent Should Know

Do you know what your kids are up to online? Of course you do! You’ve blocked all the porn sites, set up filters, and even have a monitoring program to let you know if your kids are talking about sex, or porn, or meeting up with “uncle bob” from the chat room. You’re a smart parent, but you'd be shocked if you knew what your kids were really talking about online. 

There’s a new trend popular among teenage chatters, and your filters won’t pick up any of it. It’s called l33tspeak, netspeak or just plain internet slang (leet speak from the word elite). You know what I’m talking about. Acronyms like lol, wtf, bbiab, and nm. Today's kids are also lazy, and use single letter words: U replaces you, R replaces are, o replaces oh, m replaces am etc… 

Less popular, but still widely used (especially in games) is true l33tspeak, which involves using numbers instead of letters. 4 replaces A, 3 replaces E, 7 replaces T, 1 replaces L, and $ replaces S. These are just a few examples, some of it is worse like /\/ and /\/\ , or 13 instead of B. 

Today’s kids are taking their creativity to the internet, and it’s affecting the way they speak. Kids (just like computer programmers) don't like to type a lot, so they try to shorten their keystrokes whenever possible. It's not only affecting the way they speak, it's starting to affect the way they write. So bad in fact, that school teachers have even reported seeing “lol” (laughing out loud) turn up on hand-written papers. (How would you pronounce that?) 

Imperfect Happy Families

Look around! Our society is consumed with image. From what we drive, to what we wear, to what we do, to what neighborhood we live in, etc. Many in society seem to care more about what others think of them than anything else. With this embedded deeply in our culture, we see some effects in some parenting trends.

Many of today’s high achieving parents grew up in a household where achievement was expected. Nothing other than complete success could be accepted or tolerated. This generational theme can go from one generation to the next. There are benefits to this pattern including professional success, learning, growth and potential financial earnings. However, we have seen some of the negative effects over the years as well.

I would like to address achievement versus happiness. If our main goal is achievement with our parenting, children can develop internal scripts related to perfectionism. Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem can also result as children receive the message that they cannot measure up to older siblings’ level of advancement or parental expectations.

Some children hear that if they do not attend the college their brother/sister attended than they are “less than.” Others may internalize that they are a disappointment to the family “if they don’t”….

Over the years I have worked with a lot of children. Many times these children have initially been in special private schools for the gifted or other high demand academic settings. As this process produced negative results, parents took a step back to see what their child really needed. Sometimes these children were initially placed in private schools for high achievers more for the parents’ internal well being than what was right for the child. As parents, we sometimes place our own issues on our children and do things more to satisfy our own needs rather than really what is best for our child.

One suggestion I would like to give is to make a shift and to focus on internal attributes and values—such as being kind, hardworking, and accountable. These qualities are attainable and will serve a child across their life span. Having the highest GPA, being the very best athlete, or being the most accomplished pianist can be very stressful and anxiety producing endeavors. Being a kind, hardworking, and accountable person will usually produce excellent results.

Another suggestion is to take a step back and examine how you are living your life. What are the motives behind what you do? Are you happy with how you live your life? Are your unresolved childhood issues pushing you down a life path that does not provide you happiness? Your example of how you live your life will be the most influential parenting you will ever do. Parenting is often caught, not taught.

Lastly, I would like to emphasize unconditional love for children who often behave in unlovable ways. I am sometimes amazed how well the families I work with love and accept their children despite the years of struggle gone by. These parents are some of my true heroes.

One final word; please know that I believe in getting things done and achieving. If one of our children does a poor job cleaning the toilet we have him go back and fix the problem. Learning to do a good job in life is an invaluable life skill. However, when accomplishment is taken to the extreme, bad effects may soon follow. Sometimes a heavy dose of lightening up is essential!

The goal is to have a happy family. I believe that happy families are a result of many factors. I have touched on one of them in this blog post. My hope is that we can all be a part of an Imperfect Happy Family.

Matt Erickson, LCSW

EMDR: A Resource for Trauma Victims

When I first heard about EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, I thought that it sounded interesting but I was unsure if it could really be helpful to trauma victims. From the things I heard from other therapists, I thought that EMDR sounded a little too good to be true and I didn't understand how waving my fingers in front of someone's eyes would help them process through anything.  However, as I have been trained in EMDR and have used it in my practice, I have seen some very positive and promising results. EMDR is a psychotherapy approach that has been seen to help individuals who have experienced trauma.  It is a therapy that is geared towards addressing disturbing life experiences that have not been processed and that in turn contribute to clinical problems. The idea is that memory networks are the basis of mental health and if a memory has gone unprocessed and is dysfunctionally stored at the time of the event, an individual can be triggered repeatedly throughout life until the memory is reprocessed.  A memory can go unprocessed if an individual is experiencing high levels of emotion at the time of a disturbing event. Any life experience that has a lasting negative impact can be considered trauma in this regard (like the time someone swapped the gummy worms on my ice cream for real worms).

EMDR is a multi-stage approach but perhaps the most important aspect to understand is why therapists use bilateral stimulation during the process. Bilateral stimulation is stimuli that occurs in a left-right rhythmic pattern and it can be auditory, visual or tactile. Essentially, during the session, the therapist will ask the client to bring up a memory that is difficult or traumatic. While the client is thinking back on this memory, the therapist will stimulate each side of the client's brain. This can be done through eye movements by the client following the therapist's fingers back and forth or by tapping the client's knees left-right. This may sound strange or uncomfortable but the finding is that by stimulating both sides of the brain while a troubling image is brought up, processing occurs. Think about when you are sleeping- in REM sleep your eyes move back and forth and your brain is processing through the previous day, all the while memories are being stored. It has been found that replicating this process through EMDR, memories that have become stuck may be reprocessed and individuals can become desensitized to the memories that once triggered them. The thing that I have found to be most interesting during my experience with EMDR is how intricate the memory network is. One memory could be tied to another that is seemingly unrelated. For example, during the processing a client could start by thinking about a memory of being bullied at school and after the bilateral stimulation a memory may come up of falling off his or her bike or not wanting to eat grandmother's homemade marmalade. Essentially the brain and all the memory networks are so complex and interconnected in patterns that we cannot always logically understand. This is why EMDR may have the ability to target some negative thoughts or troubling memories that a client may not be able to identify through straight talk therapy. As I mentioned above, I have seen positive outcomes from utilizing EMDR and as a therapist I am glad to have it as a resource to help victims of trauma.

KJ Green, CSW

Home Base

 As my 2 ½ year old daughter and I watched Star Wars again the other night, it occurred to me that in almost every epic science fiction, fantasy, or comic book film, all of the heroes have one thing in common. Sure, The Flash and Deadpool have cool costumes, Thor and Luke Skywalker have unique weapons, Superman and The Sentry have unparalleled strength, and Darth Vader and Batman have tragic origin stories. But as I watched the X-Wings in Star Wars depart to destroy the Death Star from the planet of Yavin IV for the 237^th time in my life, it really struck me hard that all heroes have one particular thing in common: A magnificent home base from which they depart, and, perhaps more importantly, which they return to and seek refuge in when their amazing adventures are complete.

Whether it’s The Avengers leaving Avengers Mansion, Batman riding forth from the Batcave, the rebels in Star Wars launching from Yavin IV, or Thor journeying from Asgard to Earth, each hero sets out on the adventure of overcoming their own various trials, and eventually they return to the home base from which they departed, tired and exhausted from their journey but also wiser and more skilled than when they began. No matter what walk of life or part of the world they come from, every student at Logan River has the same thing in common in that they, too, come from fantastic home bases. Although the student bears the greatest burden, similar to Frodo carrying the One Ring in The Lord of The Rings books and movies, parents metaphorically serve as their daughter or son’s own Fellowship of the Ring and walk side by side with them, providing support along their path of discovery and furnishing them with the home base to return to at the end of their grand adventure of discovery.

Logan River Academy stresses the importance of our students abiding by what we call the 5 Principles For Effective Living, which are Honesty, Respect, Accountability, Fairness, and Caring. Novelist George Moore once said, “A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it”. Though the student during their time at Logan River Academy is able to search out and ascertain what they need, it’s of the utmost importance that they are able to return to their home base to find these same principles being practiced on a daily basis. Despite any chaos or discord the student may have caused in the home in the past, their home still functions to them much in the same manner that Superman retreats to his Fortress of Solitude and takes time to heal while reflecting on lessons learned and ways to process and utilize the information in order to bet met with success in his next trial and in life.

Brandon Bailey, ACMHC