The Adventurous Review of 2015

It is a difficult job to try and objectively compare one year of adventure to another because each of our adventures are unique and each year we explore new areas and try to build new skills. We enthusiastically added outdoor rock climbing to our repertoire this year and it definitely elevated the quality and variety of many of our trips. And with several generous snow storms already blanketing our mountains we are on track to head out of 2015 with some big shoes to fill for next year.

The 2014/2015 ski season was one for the record books, just not the record books we generally want to associate with. While it is hard to complain about skiing and snowboarding in general, much of the western United States received record low snowfall and we definitely felt that here in Utah. We pushed on however and rode as much as we could while mixing in yurt trips, snowbiking adventures and snowcave building instruction.

Guide to Giving Consequences That Teach

I am always looking for information on how to better parent, both for my personal life and professionally.  I recently had an article shared with me and it is a short but effective reminder.  Enjoy!

The link is:

http://www.positive-parents.org/2013/05/consequences-that-teach.html?m=1

There is a disturbing new parenting trend for "creative consequences." Surely you've heard of the dad who shot his daughter's laptop, or the "Ohio Mom" who posted an X on her daughter’s face and shamed her on Facebook, or most recently the step-mom who made her daughter wear embarrassing clothing to school so that she would be bullied. 

What is truly shocking is the number of people supporting public humiliation by parents as a punishment or discipline tactic! 

But is shaming children really the way to go? Is it effective?

Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW has spent the last 12 years researching shame, guilt, and vulnerability. She states:

"Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows."

and very importantly

 “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

Giving consequences with the intention of shaming, hurting, or humiliating your child is damaging.  Sure, they may "work," but at what cost?

The purposes of consequences, however, should not be to make us famous or earn us a pat on the back from other parents, but to teach the child in a constructive way.

Shame and humiliation create fear, and research indicates that the brain operates differently under fear. Under this threat, the brain reacts with increased blood flow to the survival centers of the brain and decreased blood flow to the higher thought centers. When the brain goes into this "survival mode," it becomes less capable of planning, receiving information, classifying data, and problem solving.

Becky Bailey wrote this in her book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline:

"Children under threat make choices that are biologically driven. Over time, this approach creates impulsive children who resist change and lack the ability to solve problems constructively."

GUIDE TO GIVING CONSEQUENCES THAT TEACH:

1. Give consequences with the intention of teaching, not the intention of punishing or making the child feel bad.  Intention is important because the intention you have in your mind will influence the language and tone you use when you deliver the consequence. Be sure to be empathetic when delivering the consequence. Empathy calms the brain, removes the threat, and allows a person to take responsibility for this own behavior.

2. Let natural consequences happen where appropriate. Often we try to either rescue our child from the natural consequences of their actions OR we compound it by adding additional punishments on top of it. Let's say your child left her toy in the driveway and it got ran over. Rescuing would be buying her a new toy immediately. Adding additional punishment would be grounding her for leaving it outside. The natural consequence, however, is simply that now her toy is broken. If she wants to replace it, she can earn the money to do so by doing extra chores.

3. Imposed consequences should be related to the offense. If your child hits his brother, then taking away his iPad for a period of time doesn't teach what he should do when he hurts his brother. A related (or logical) consequence would be to have him problem solve a way to repair the relationship with his brother (write him a note, make him a card, etc) and to talk about ways of handling his frustration or anger so that he has tools besides hitting (deep breaths, walking away, clapping, hitting a pillow).

4. Problem-solving is a great way to teach children how to be accountable and responsible. The more involved they are in the process, the more they learn. Most times, problem-solving is the best way to go. Teach your child the process of righting wrongs and repairing rifts in relationships. These skills will serve your child all of his life.

5. Don't bring it up. After the consequence has been given or the problem has been solved, it's over. Don't rehash the incident, but get on with a pleasant day.

6. Connect. Make sure your child knows it was her behavior you didn't approve of, not HER. Find ways to reconnect. This models for your child what you were just teaching; how to repair relationships.

For more on consequences, visit What's the Deal With Consequences.

Ultimately, our goal is to raise responsible children. Teaching through natural or logical consequences or problem solving isn't going to get you any media coverage, but it will get you a responsible child who doesn't resent you for years to come.

Sean Maynard, CMHC

Gratitude at the Holidays

The holiday season is upon us once more, and thankfully so. As my family and I went in to Salt Lake City last weekend to look at the beautiful holiday lights that are a yearly tradition on Temple Square (headquarters of the LDS/Mormon Church), we passed by a homeless man who had positioned himself on a corner not too far away from the happy crowd in the hopes of gleaming charity from others better off than he. He was older and the grizzled look on the craggy face he owned told a story of having endured many hard years with much of that being on the streets. As I stopped briefly to gladly give this man what little money I had on me and wish him a Merry Christmas, it hit me like a reindeer kick in the side of the head: that I need to be much more appreciative of what I do have in my life, instead of thinking about what I could use receiving as a present from someone else. In other words, I simply need to be much more grateful for what I do have.

National statistics show that suicide rates climb by as much as 40% during the holiday season. While I don’t wish to dwell on the negative at this time of year, I feel it’s very easy to let depression set in, especially for parents of students at Logan River Academy who may be having a hard time dealing with their child’s placement at a residential treatment facility in general, and more so for those few whose child may not be able to return home at the present time to visit. In times when I need inspiration and uplifting, there’s been a powerful speech that I go back to time and again which really resonates with me, and it’s my hope that it might do the same for you this time of season despite it’s unconventionality as it relates to the holidays.

Coach Jim Valvano (“Jimmy V”) was the head coach for the North Carolina State men’s basketball team. For those of you familiar, he’s the coach shown in highlights running around the basketball court looking for someone to hug after his team won the national championship in 1983. Or perhaps the phrase “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up” will ring a bell. Ten years after winning the national championship, he was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and passed away in April of 1993, less than two months after giving a famous speech at the inaugural ESPY awards where he received the Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian Award. His tombstone reads: “Take time everyday to laugh, to think, to cry.”

It’s my hope that during this holiday season, whatever your circumstances may be, that you might find inspiration in the words of this man who was grateful for every moment of his life in the face of a terminal diagnosis that would shortly end his life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E

Brandon Bailey, ACMHC

Dinner Table Discussions

One of my favorite holidays is right around the corner…. Thanksgiving.  I enjoy Thanksgiving for a number of reasons: food, family, football, reflecting on the things that I am thankful for in my life, etc., but perhaps the thing I enjoy most about Thanksgiving is the experience of sitting around the table talking and laughing with loved ones.  The thought of that opportunity coming up next week reminded me of the many enjoyable conversations I had around the dinner table as a child, as well as the many enjoyable conversations I have had with my own children around the dinner table.

Research studies have shown how important it is to sit down at the dinner table for meals with our children because of the consistency and opportunities that are provided to relate to and connect with our children.  One of the challenges that I have faced in doing this as a parent is sometimes not knowing what to actually talk about with my kids outside of the standard “how was school” type of questions!  I found the following article helpful in that it reminded me that we can try to be creative in the conversations that we have with our children.  Some things they might not be real interested in, but there will also be those moments when a topic or question really catches their attention and we end up having a great conversation with them.  Good luck!

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865641762/The-taste-of-good-dinner-conversation.html

Mont Criddle, LMFT

Learning to Get Back Up

I recently had a parent lamenting the fact that their son was “struggling to do what he needed to do.”  As we explored this fact it became clear that the parents had spent much of their son’s life doing for him what he probably should have had some experience doing for himself.  We spent some time discussing this and how parents’ desire to help in some ways hindered their son’s progress, specifically his independence.  It reminded me of a story I shared with them.  Below is that story.  It is good to think about as we walk the difficult path of having a struggling teenager.

“Bringing a giraffe into the world is a tall order. A baby giraffe falls 10 feet from its mother's womb and usually lands on its back. Within seconds it rolls over and tucks its legs under its body. From this position it considers the world for the first time and shakes off the last vestiges of the birthing fluid from its eyes and ears. Then the mother giraffe rudely introduces its offspring to the reality of life.

In his book, A View from the Zoo, Gary Richmond describes how a newborn giraffe learns its first lesson.

The mother giraffe lowers her head long enough to take a quick look. Then she positions herself directly over her calf. She waits for about a minute, and then she does the most unreasonable thing. She swings her long, pendulous leg outward and kicks her baby, so that it is sent sprawling head over heels.

When it doesn't get up, the violent process is repeated over and over again. The struggle to rise is momentous. As the baby calf grows tired, the mother kicks it again to stimulate its efforts. Finally, the calf stands for the first time on its wobbly legs.

Then the mother giraffe does the most remarkable thing. She kicks it off its feet again. Why? She wants it to remember how it got up. In the wild, baby giraffes must be able to get up as quickly as possible to stay with the herd, where there is safety. Lions, hyenas, leopards, and wild hunting dogs all enjoy young giraffes, and they'd get it too, if the mother didn't teach her calf to get up quickly and get with it.”

Krys Oyler, LCSW

Bullying & Working to Prevent and Stop It

Bullying is a common term that we hear now, and as common as the term is, Bullying is also that common.  There are many forms of bullying that we see in our society that negatively affect individuals, groups, etc. 

I remember watching the karate kid when I was a kid.  There were great lessons in this movie and very vivid examples of bullying.  Daniel had to learn how to handle a bully in a proper way.  At some points in the movie he chose tactics of getting even, which only escalated the abuse, making things for him worse.  Ultimately Mr. Miyagi enters Daniel into a contest where he can “battle the bully” in an appropriate way.  Because this other option was available and used, Daniel gained the respect of the bully and the dynamics of the relationship changed.

So one might ask what is classified as Bullying?  Bullying is any repeated aggressive behavior that can be physical, verbal, or relational.  All of these types of bullying are emotional for the victim of the situation.  Boys frequently bully using physical threats and actions, while girls are more likely to engage in verbal or relationship bullying.  Both types have similar effects on an individual.

Since bullying is often a learned behavior that comes from the experiences that an individual has at home or even outside of the home, it can become a negative pattern that an individual develops.  Research shows numerous ways that individuals learn aggressive behavior, including seeing a parent or siblings examples, peer examples, playing violent video games, watching certain TV programs, observing conflict between others, etc.  These things numb our senses to how our actions affect others.  It becomes easier to bully others and not feel any remorse for one’s actions. 

In society it has even become acceptable to verbally abuse another person.  I was walking through a Costco one day and observed an interaction between two men.  One man was much older and had his little granddaughter by his side.  He was pushing a large cart with a piece of furniture on it.  As he pushed this cart up to the front of the store to check out, another man walked in front of the cart and got his foot ran over by one of the wheels.  Immediately this man began to yell and swear at the grandfather and threaten to beat him up.  What a pathetic scene this was to watch as a grown man was unable to control his reaction to this accident (especially since he was at fault) and become aggressive with an older man with his granddaughter in the middle of a store.

Bullying is prevalent in schools, work environments, at the store, and throughout society.  Bullying greatly affects the victim, who at times may even choose the extreme option to end their life.  They may get to the point that they feel as if there is no way out, there is no end to the bullying, and the only safe place is not being alive.  This has become more common and easily seen as we watch the current events in the world.

It is essential to work with our youth by first being great examples for them.  If we can learn to have good self control and teach this to our youth, we will already be a step in the right direction.  As our society becomes more violent with what is portrayed on TV, video games, etc., we as parents, examples, and leaders of our youth should work to better guide them to be involved in the things that are healthy for their developing brains.  It is our job to initiate this process.  Individuals, groups, and societies have lost respect and continue to spiral away from this key element in how we treat ourselves and others.

Remember that our words are very powerful and that the old saying of “Sticks and Stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me” couldn’t be more untrue.  This is reflected in the following poem.

It starts with us…what are we willing to do?

Jeffrey Openshaw LMFT

Happy People

One common feature amongst us as human beings is the desire to be happy. Many search for happiness in all sorts of ways. Psychology researchers have attempted to figure out what really makes people happy.

Some researchers believe that sources of happiness are 50% genetic, 40% within our power to change, and 10% affected by life circumstances. Sometimes we work with students who blame the environment for their unhappiness despite a life long pattern of previous unhappiness. Most of our students come to the realization that Logan River Academy does not make them unhappy. Typically we see a gradual shift in personal ownership as our students figure out how to be genuinely happy.

One of our theories at Logan River Academy is that happiness is connected to living a principles based lifestyle. We use this model as our major theory of change. We focus on: Honesty, Respect, Accountability, Fairness, and Caring. We believe that as our students internalize these principles and live them more fully, they are much more likely to be happier people.

Happiness also has much to do with perspective. I attended a workshop many years ago where the instructor taught us a basic formula: E + R = O (Event + Response = Outcome). Events are often not under out control. How we respond to events in our lives directly affects what kinds of outcomes we are getting, including our happiness level. We are convinced that challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with more neutral or positive thoughts can bring wonderful results with one’s level of happiness. This is a skill that takes practice and awareness. Our perspective can be the single most influential determinant of our level of happiness.

Another key element to happiness in our opinion is when one lives in accordance with his/her defined value system. If this is not happening, we see unbalance, lack of life symmetry, and inner conflict. Identifying one’s value system and living according is key!

Lastly, we believe being able to find humor in day to day life is essential for happiness. Learning to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes helps. Otherwise, we may constantly feel insecure or under the spotlight. It’s important to slow down, pause, and laugh each day.

Matt Erickson, LCSW, Clinical Director