The Speed of Change

One of my favorite times as a therapist working at LRA is parent visits. While parents have been talking weekly with their teens, it’s not nearly the same as finally getting to see them in person.  After the hugs and the tears, we settle into sessions to catch up and review plans for the family’s time together.  Invariably, conversation quickly comes around to appearance: “you look so much older”, “you’re taller than me now”, “you cut your hair”.  As parents absorb the teen sitting in front of them, they do often look quite different…students lose weight, start shaving, get taller.  They take better care of themselves; a shower, more tasteful make up, combed hair, less acne, clean clothes.  And predictably, the student is a little embarrassed, wishing away the attention being poured onto them.

At the end of visits, parents often share seeing a different kind of change: “he held the door for me”, “he asked what movie I wanted to watch”, “she went into the other aisle and I didn’t worry that she might be gone”, “he said thank you…a lot”.  These changes are the ones that are meaningful, they come with maturity and respect for others.  But students have such a hard time recognizing these changes in themselves.  They live the change in tiny bits, day by day.  This meaningful change doesn’t even always progress steadily forward.  The old adage “one step forward, two steps back” has truth to it; sometimes students need to do things very wrong to realize how to do them right.

In the life of a teenager, the idea of change is a peculiar topic.  Everybody’s telling them they need to do it, they should do it, they are doing it…but they are the ones that have the hardest time seeing it.  I spend time with my students talking about what change means: what to watch out for, how to measure it, and what other people will see when change is taking place.  Our students have a range of capacities when it comes to self-evaluation, perspective taking, and insight.  While they rarely admit it, most of them depend on people around them to be their mirror; to observe and reflect what they can’t see in themselves.  The day by day incremental change that our students undergo is easy for them to forget.  Sometimes, it’s only when their parents arrive that their growth and change becomes obvious.

Sarah Hazelton, LCSW