Gratitude at the Holidays

The holiday season is upon us once more, and thankfully so. As my family and I went in to Salt Lake City last weekend to look at the beautiful holiday lights that are a yearly tradition on Temple Square (headquarters of the LDS/Mormon Church), we passed by a homeless man who had positioned himself on a corner not too far away from the happy crowd in the hopes of gleaming charity from others better off than he. He was older and the grizzled look on the craggy face he owned told a story of having endured many hard years with much of that being on the streets. As I stopped briefly to gladly give this man what little money I had on me and wish him a Merry Christmas, it hit me like a reindeer kick in the side of the head: that I need to be much more appreciative of what I do have in my life, instead of thinking about what I could use receiving as a present from someone else. In other words, I simply need to be much more grateful for what I do have.

National statistics show that suicide rates climb by as much as 40% during the holiday season. While I don’t wish to dwell on the negative at this time of year, I feel it’s very easy to let depression set in, especially for parents of students at Logan River Academy who may be having a hard time dealing with their child’s placement at a residential treatment facility in general, and more so for those few whose child may not be able to return home at the present time to visit. In times when I need inspiration and uplifting, there’s been a powerful speech that I go back to time and again which really resonates with me, and it’s my hope that it might do the same for you this time of season despite it’s unconventionality as it relates to the holidays.

Coach Jim Valvano (“Jimmy V”) was the head coach for the North Carolina State men’s basketball team. For those of you familiar, he’s the coach shown in highlights running around the basketball court looking for someone to hug after his team won the national championship in 1983. Or perhaps the phrase “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up” will ring a bell. Ten years after winning the national championship, he was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and passed away in April of 1993, less than two months after giving a famous speech at the inaugural ESPY awards where he received the Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian Award. His tombstone reads: “Take time everyday to laugh, to think, to cry.”

It’s my hope that during this holiday season, whatever your circumstances may be, that you might find inspiration in the words of this man who was grateful for every moment of his life in the face of a terminal diagnosis that would shortly end his life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E

Brandon Bailey, ACMHC

Dinner Table Discussions

One of my favorite holidays is right around the corner…. Thanksgiving.  I enjoy Thanksgiving for a number of reasons: food, family, football, reflecting on the things that I am thankful for in my life, etc., but perhaps the thing I enjoy most about Thanksgiving is the experience of sitting around the table talking and laughing with loved ones.  The thought of that opportunity coming up next week reminded me of the many enjoyable conversations I had around the dinner table as a child, as well as the many enjoyable conversations I have had with my own children around the dinner table.

Research studies have shown how important it is to sit down at the dinner table for meals with our children because of the consistency and opportunities that are provided to relate to and connect with our children.  One of the challenges that I have faced in doing this as a parent is sometimes not knowing what to actually talk about with my kids outside of the standard “how was school” type of questions!  I found the following article helpful in that it reminded me that we can try to be creative in the conversations that we have with our children.  Some things they might not be real interested in, but there will also be those moments when a topic or question really catches their attention and we end up having a great conversation with them.  Good luck!

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865641762/The-taste-of-good-dinner-conversation.html

Mont Criddle, LMFT

Learning to Get Back Up

I recently had a parent lamenting the fact that their son was “struggling to do what he needed to do.”  As we explored this fact it became clear that the parents had spent much of their son’s life doing for him what he probably should have had some experience doing for himself.  We spent some time discussing this and how parents’ desire to help in some ways hindered their son’s progress, specifically his independence.  It reminded me of a story I shared with them.  Below is that story.  It is good to think about as we walk the difficult path of having a struggling teenager.

“Bringing a giraffe into the world is a tall order. A baby giraffe falls 10 feet from its mother's womb and usually lands on its back. Within seconds it rolls over and tucks its legs under its body. From this position it considers the world for the first time and shakes off the last vestiges of the birthing fluid from its eyes and ears. Then the mother giraffe rudely introduces its offspring to the reality of life.

In his book, A View from the Zoo, Gary Richmond describes how a newborn giraffe learns its first lesson.

The mother giraffe lowers her head long enough to take a quick look. Then she positions herself directly over her calf. She waits for about a minute, and then she does the most unreasonable thing. She swings her long, pendulous leg outward and kicks her baby, so that it is sent sprawling head over heels.

When it doesn't get up, the violent process is repeated over and over again. The struggle to rise is momentous. As the baby calf grows tired, the mother kicks it again to stimulate its efforts. Finally, the calf stands for the first time on its wobbly legs.

Then the mother giraffe does the most remarkable thing. She kicks it off its feet again. Why? She wants it to remember how it got up. In the wild, baby giraffes must be able to get up as quickly as possible to stay with the herd, where there is safety. Lions, hyenas, leopards, and wild hunting dogs all enjoy young giraffes, and they'd get it too, if the mother didn't teach her calf to get up quickly and get with it.”

Krys Oyler, LCSW

Bullying & Working to Prevent and Stop It

Bullying is a common term that we hear now, and as common as the term is, Bullying is also that common.  There are many forms of bullying that we see in our society that negatively affect individuals, groups, etc. 

I remember watching the karate kid when I was a kid.  There were great lessons in this movie and very vivid examples of bullying.  Daniel had to learn how to handle a bully in a proper way.  At some points in the movie he chose tactics of getting even, which only escalated the abuse, making things for him worse.  Ultimately Mr. Miyagi enters Daniel into a contest where he can “battle the bully” in an appropriate way.  Because this other option was available and used, Daniel gained the respect of the bully and the dynamics of the relationship changed.

So one might ask what is classified as Bullying?  Bullying is any repeated aggressive behavior that can be physical, verbal, or relational.  All of these types of bullying are emotional for the victim of the situation.  Boys frequently bully using physical threats and actions, while girls are more likely to engage in verbal or relationship bullying.  Both types have similar effects on an individual.

Since bullying is often a learned behavior that comes from the experiences that an individual has at home or even outside of the home, it can become a negative pattern that an individual develops.  Research shows numerous ways that individuals learn aggressive behavior, including seeing a parent or siblings examples, peer examples, playing violent video games, watching certain TV programs, observing conflict between others, etc.  These things numb our senses to how our actions affect others.  It becomes easier to bully others and not feel any remorse for one’s actions. 

In society it has even become acceptable to verbally abuse another person.  I was walking through a Costco one day and observed an interaction between two men.  One man was much older and had his little granddaughter by his side.  He was pushing a large cart with a piece of furniture on it.  As he pushed this cart up to the front of the store to check out, another man walked in front of the cart and got his foot ran over by one of the wheels.  Immediately this man began to yell and swear at the grandfather and threaten to beat him up.  What a pathetic scene this was to watch as a grown man was unable to control his reaction to this accident (especially since he was at fault) and become aggressive with an older man with his granddaughter in the middle of a store.

Bullying is prevalent in schools, work environments, at the store, and throughout society.  Bullying greatly affects the victim, who at times may even choose the extreme option to end their life.  They may get to the point that they feel as if there is no way out, there is no end to the bullying, and the only safe place is not being alive.  This has become more common and easily seen as we watch the current events in the world.

It is essential to work with our youth by first being great examples for them.  If we can learn to have good self control and teach this to our youth, we will already be a step in the right direction.  As our society becomes more violent with what is portrayed on TV, video games, etc., we as parents, examples, and leaders of our youth should work to better guide them to be involved in the things that are healthy for their developing brains.  It is our job to initiate this process.  Individuals, groups, and societies have lost respect and continue to spiral away from this key element in how we treat ourselves and others.

Remember that our words are very powerful and that the old saying of “Sticks and Stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me” couldn’t be more untrue.  This is reflected in the following poem.

It starts with us…what are we willing to do?

Jeffrey Openshaw LMFT

Happy People

One common feature amongst us as human beings is the desire to be happy. Many search for happiness in all sorts of ways. Psychology researchers have attempted to figure out what really makes people happy.

Some researchers believe that sources of happiness are 50% genetic, 40% within our power to change, and 10% affected by life circumstances. Sometimes we work with students who blame the environment for their unhappiness despite a life long pattern of previous unhappiness. Most of our students come to the realization that Logan River Academy does not make them unhappy. Typically we see a gradual shift in personal ownership as our students figure out how to be genuinely happy.

One of our theories at Logan River Academy is that happiness is connected to living a principles based lifestyle. We use this model as our major theory of change. We focus on: Honesty, Respect, Accountability, Fairness, and Caring. We believe that as our students internalize these principles and live them more fully, they are much more likely to be happier people.

Happiness also has much to do with perspective. I attended a workshop many years ago where the instructor taught us a basic formula: E + R = O (Event + Response = Outcome). Events are often not under out control. How we respond to events in our lives directly affects what kinds of outcomes we are getting, including our happiness level. We are convinced that challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with more neutral or positive thoughts can bring wonderful results with one’s level of happiness. This is a skill that takes practice and awareness. Our perspective can be the single most influential determinant of our level of happiness.

Another key element to happiness in our opinion is when one lives in accordance with his/her defined value system. If this is not happening, we see unbalance, lack of life symmetry, and inner conflict. Identifying one’s value system and living according is key!

Lastly, we believe being able to find humor in day to day life is essential for happiness. Learning to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes helps. Otherwise, we may constantly feel insecure or under the spotlight. It’s important to slow down, pause, and laugh each day.

Matt Erickson, LCSW, Clinical Director

SMART Goals

Often times, many of the students we work with at Logan River Academy come to us with lofty goals and ideals which they want to aim to accomplish. Even we, as adults, continue to set our sights on things we want to obtain in life whether it’s accomplishments (getting a job promotion, graduating college, losing weight) or more physically tangible objects (buying that new boat or car you’ve had your eye on for a while). It’s a natural tendency to set goals for ourselves. Some people will even go so far as to make a “goal board” where they post pictures or sayings that pertain to the goal or item they want to achieve or obtain. The underlying problem is that often these goals end up falling by the wayside and not becoming the reality that we so eagerly strive for.

With our students at Logan River Academy, we as therapists challenge each of them to set behavioral goals that they can work towards and achieve so that they can return home and be met with success in all aspects of life. But as with so many goals, these can easily become yesterday’s fleeing thoughts as we either become caught up in other activities or feel overwhelmed by the stress of the actual work involved in achieving these goals.

We encourage each of our students to set S.M.A.R.T. Goals whether here at Logan River Academy or in other areas of life in order to help them be met with success. Each letter of the acronym S.M.A.R.T. acts as a guide to use in making any goal more practical and achievable. And, yes, even as adults, we can continue to use each of these skills as outlined below in order to outline a more plausible plan for ourselves to follow.

Specific – What exactly will I do? It’s important to almost adapt the attitude of an investigative reporter and answer these questions about your goal: Who is involved with the goal? What exactly do I want to accomplish? Where will it be done? Which requirements do I have that will help me achieve this? The more specific you can be in outlining your goal, the more realistic is will appear to be.

Measurable – Measurement is often used to gauge whether we’ve travelled an appropriate distance or have more of an item than when we started. Its how we tell if a difference is apparent and it is the same with regards to goals. Is my goal measurable?  How much, how many, or how will I know if my goal is accomplished? Can it be measured to estimate success? Good!

Achievable – It’s important to ask if there’s anything that can stop me from accomplishing my goal, including myself. Is the goal out of your reach or below your standard of performance? If so, it might be advisable to go back to the beginning and reevaluate the steps needed to achieve your goal.

Relevant – What about your goal makes it important to you? Is it a worthwhile goal? Does it meet your needs? Is it consistent with other goals you have or have had? One question I always ask my clients that most literature ignores but I feel is paramount is “Is it consistent with who you are as a person?” If I’m a person of pretty high caliber and moral fiber then it’s probably not consistent with who I am if I set a goal to start embezzling money.  

Timely – It’s extremely important to set a time limit for ourselves and our goals. When do you want to complete your goal? It does little good to set a goal of losing 30 lbs without a completion date to shoot for, right? “Oh… it’ll come off whenever I get to it”. Establishing a time limit establishes a sense of urgency and prompts better time management.

If you can ask your self if your goal meets these requirements and answer “Yes”, you’re well on your way to success. We encourage parents of our students to help engage them in continuing to set SMART goals once they return home and move to the next phase of their lives.

Brandon Bailey, ACMHC

The Speed of Change

One of my favorite times as a therapist working at LRA is parent visits. While parents have been talking weekly with their teens, it’s not nearly the same as finally getting to see them in person.  After the hugs and the tears, we settle into sessions to catch up and review plans for the family’s time together.  Invariably, conversation quickly comes around to appearance: “you look so much older”, “you’re taller than me now”, “you cut your hair”.  As parents absorb the teen sitting in front of them, they do often look quite different…students lose weight, start shaving, get taller.  They take better care of themselves; a shower, more tasteful make up, combed hair, less acne, clean clothes.  And predictably, the student is a little embarrassed, wishing away the attention being poured onto them.

At the end of visits, parents often share seeing a different kind of change: “he held the door for me”, “he asked what movie I wanted to watch”, “she went into the other aisle and I didn’t worry that she might be gone”, “he said thank you…a lot”.  These changes are the ones that are meaningful, they come with maturity and respect for others.  But students have such a hard time recognizing these changes in themselves.  They live the change in tiny bits, day by day.  This meaningful change doesn’t even always progress steadily forward.  The old adage “one step forward, two steps back” has truth to it; sometimes students need to do things very wrong to realize how to do them right.

In the life of a teenager, the idea of change is a peculiar topic.  Everybody’s telling them they need to do it, they should do it, they are doing it…but they are the ones that have the hardest time seeing it.  I spend time with my students talking about what change means: what to watch out for, how to measure it, and what other people will see when change is taking place.  Our students have a range of capacities when it comes to self-evaluation, perspective taking, and insight.  While they rarely admit it, most of them depend on people around them to be their mirror; to observe and reflect what they can’t see in themselves.  The day by day incremental change that our students undergo is easy for them to forget.  Sometimes, it’s only when their parents arrive that their growth and change becomes obvious.

Sarah Hazelton, LCSW